Press, Press, Press, Fold, Repeat

This seems to be the big burning question going around. Instead of writing about comedy today, I thought I would write an educational post helping explain to the people the current situation the United States is becoming involved in overseas.

This military/political situation is with the peninsula of Korea and not the Klingon planetQo’noS also known as Kronos .

For most Americans, tomorrow is a day of family. Thanksgiving is a day marked by seeing your family and eating with your family and, one would assume, talking to your family. Misinformation can spread like wildfire in today’s world and I wanted to do my part in this scary time to help you understand what is really at stake.

I have heard a lot of questions being asked about these turbulent times and about Koreans/Klingons, so I will answer the most pertinent ones.

QUESTION #1:

Is the United States of America going to war against North Korea in aiding our ally South Korea?

Or…

Is the United States of America beginning an interstellar war against a fictional race of aliens known as the Klingons?

The answer:

Frankly, we are not going to war with either. Hopefully.

The United States and Korea have already participated in a war together aptly called “The Korean War”. It seems unlikely that a second Korean War will take place. Not that the US is against fighting an enemy twice (read: “The World” in “World War I” and “World War II”). In large part, the actions by both North and South Korea are commonplace. North Korea is kind of the Mayor of Crazytown and they like the world to recognize that title from time to time.

Recently, North Korea showed off a nuclear processing plant, which we didn’t know about the other day. That was unsettling. And then yesterday, they exchanged artillery fire with South Korea. In a lot of ways, this is political theater by the North Koreans. Their longtime leader Kim Jong-il, who you may remember from his tore de force performance in Team America: World Police, recently stepped down and handed over his scepter to his son Kim Jong-un.

Because of this flux in power, the North Koreans feel the need to show off their “toughness” and doing so is shooting randomly at South Korea. In the same way, South Korea feels the need to respond to show they still are tough as well and are not going to stand for bullying from North Korea. The United States is allies with South Korea and that is why they have stepped in. The US has a large military presence in South Korea, but it is truly in everyone’s best interest to settle this politically, which is more or less how situations like this have been solved since the conclusion of the Korean War.

It is a tense situation and hopefully will not go any further, but one never knows.

As for the second part of the question, the United States is not going to war with the Klingon people of the planet Kronos. I repeat, the United States is NOT going to war with the citizens of the planet Kronos. Although they are a war-like people and would probably enjoy a war with the United States to prove, which military has a superior might – this is not transpiring.

Case in point: Klingon’s are not real.

QUESTION #2:

What is the difference between Koreans and Klingons?

Are you sure there is even a difference? Aren’t they the same people and it is just one of those “po-tay-toe” “po-tah-to” situations? You call them Koreans and I call them Klingons.

The answer:

I have heard this being asked a lot. Probably too much. To some, maybe not enough. There are a lot of similarities between Koreans and Klingons – sure. I will not deny that. They both have a proud heritage, their own language, music, government, religious beliefs and traditions that illustrate a beautiful tapestry of shared existence. But they are different.

Koreans are NOT Klingons.

This…

is not the same as this…

The primary difference between Koreans and Klingons, Koreans are in fact very real as opposed to Klingons being purely fictional creations. Besides that there are many other differences. For instance, as mentioned Koreans are from the peninsula of Korea, which is generally speaking separated along the 38th latitudinal parallel. North Korea is a heavily guarded secluded militarily run country where as South Korea is an increasingly liberal democracy that freely participates socially with the rest of the globe, eg: 1988 Summer Olympic Games at South Korea’s capital city Seoul.

On the other hand, Klingons are from the planet Kronos, which is of a green color. It has a heavily tilted axis meaning extreme seasonal changes. It features one land mass and one huge ocean. And the planet’s lone moon, Praxis, was destroyed, which was a major plot point for the movie Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country.

QUESTION #3:

Why should I care? What have either the Koreans or the Klingons ever done for me?

The answer:

Koreans are a global people who take residence in the US, China, Europe and really all over. Since the mid 20th century, Koreans have become a major part of the great landscape of the US. By recent estimates there are at least 2 million Koreans living in the United States with the largest community centered in Los Angeles. They have given us many beautiful things like “Korean Barbecue” restaurants where one can cook the meat of their own choosing right there at the table, also the excellent films of Park Chan-wook namely his Vengeance Trilogy. Also also, they have given us Ken Jeong and we would live on a lot less funny planet without him.

And there are the beautiful Korean people themselves. They are quite good looking. Besides what different things they seem to come up with in their brains or with their fingertips – the people themselves are quite lovely and as we all know “attractiveness” pretty much trumps everything.

They are so pretty. Their soft features and elegance. I want one. I want a whole host of them. I want a basketball team of these cute Koreans followed by a football team of them and then a soccer team and a mini militia of them and then maybe a couple more as confidants.

As for the Klingons, they are fairly unattractive. They look like a mix of a racist portrayal of a dark skinned minority and a dinosaur. Imagine the “Geico” cavemen on steroids and armed with bladed weapons. Their skin looks eerily similar to the spray-on tan one may see on the Jersey Shore. Their hair is reminiscent of a back-up guitarist for Ratt or Poison or White Snake. Their head itself is rigid and has protruding elements to it that suggest another alien creature might be in their head trying to break out. And let’s be honest with each other for a moment, the very best looking Klingon woman is still a “butterface”.

They are a gruff people. They speak a guttural language that is not soft on the ears. They are a passionate people. They love war and believe in proving oneself in battle. They do share many similarities with Asian warriors of the past known as Samurais. But what have the Klingons done for you? Since they are fictional, not much. They have appeared on Star Trek and its successor shows/movies and I’m sure there is a fetish porn dedicated to Klingons as well. So there is that.

Probably their greatest gift to mankind is as a Halloween costume. It is fun to dress as a Klingon for Halloween. They wear a lot of black, chains, carry weapons, have long hair, crazy foreheads and you get to be a dick to everyone because Klingons kind of act like well-spoken high school jocks played Laurence Olivier. Where as, it is quite insensitive to dress as a Korean for Halloween – I do not suggest doing that.

Last question,

QUESTION #4:

Who wants IT more?

The answer:

Well, that is for you to decide.

IN CONCLUSION:

I hope that we do not have any further military problems in Korea and hope all problems can be handled with diplomacy. I hope that Klingons do not suddenly become real and then attack the planet Earth. Either way, I hope that you show great love to all people including Koreans and Klingons if you are to cross paths with one.

I hope this has helped.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Kristen Stewart, Huffington Post